Got a toothbrush?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
