I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
