btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
