also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
