Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
