A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
