When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.