I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.