Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
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This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
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Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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