I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
