she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
