He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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