my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
