the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
