Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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