I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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