don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
time to smoke my breakfast
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
