Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize