Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
