I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I need a beard to bite.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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