he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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