i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
did i just pee glitter
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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