Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
