He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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