listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
