My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
