In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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