3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
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we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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