Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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