Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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