i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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