i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
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I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
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I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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