I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
