i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
