Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
