my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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