Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
