So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
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Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
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I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
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