she was so not down for the gang bang
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
