bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
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She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
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Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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