Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
