just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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