I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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