You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.đź’¨
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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