Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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