hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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