I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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