I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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