Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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