I didn't shave. On purpose
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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