I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
