so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
