Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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