your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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