The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
