My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
