Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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