and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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