my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
